Sliding into Shadows

Our ‘good’ days are out-numbering our ‘bad’ days. We are deeply thankful for improvement beyond anything that seemed possible. Though challenging times continue to be part of our journey, we are surrounded by love and assured that God is receiving the sweet aroma of our fellow pilgrims’ prayers.

Many of our friends would be aware of the building project that Geoff and our sons launched into some time ago. Not surprisingly, progress stalled and Geoff’s love and concern for me brought a growing sense of anxiety over what he might leave behind.

Through our children, God has provided wonderfully, yet as Geoff’s condition has improved so has his desire to be supportive and involved in doable manual tasks, “I don’t want to be lazy”!

About the time of my last blog post, under Amos’ direction and with Zeke’s help Geoff began fixing up an old fibreglass slide to make it safe for our grandchildren. Now one might expect this would be a cause of celebration. Yet, sanding the slide didn’t go as smoothly as we had hoped - there was an unexpected twist.

Geoff started thinking, “If I can do jobs like the slide ... maybe I’m not sick … perhaps I’m deluded about the cancer .. it could be the medication making me confused ...”

Re-reading early scan reports countless times, even with an equal number of simple explanations of the medical terms, failed to convince Geoff of the reality of his cancer.

Trying to help him process what’s happening can be heart-rending, “How did doing the painting go?”

“I didn't have the strength I normally have. I didn't have the mobility I normally have. I wasn't confident about how I was doing the job.”

Over several days, the shadows lengthened into deep spiritual doubt, obsession with numbers, time and eternity plus fears about his cancer.

Through holding hands, prayers, comforting verses and gentle words interludes of calmness and peace gradually overcame the anxieties and panics.

“The cancer is not your fault, it won’t last for hundred of years, God has His purposes beyond our understanding.”“God is holding onto you, you are safe in the hands of Jesus, the Father will not allow you to be snatched away.” John 1028,29 

More recently, whilst enjoying a ride on the e-bike Geoff turned to me, asking why I came with him. This stemmed from a fresh episode of ‘logical ideas’ which resulted in an endless loop about whether he definitely has cancer. Difficulties continued while preparing to go camping, in the car, on a walk and during dinner. Light and warmth of the fire shone briefly into the darkness before scriptures and songs settled Geoff to sleep.