Carried through confusion and chaos to calmness and clarity

 “To gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry and will deliver you.”

As Geoff stirred awake this morning, it was like a miracle to be greeted by his smile and to enjoy our first conversation in over a week.

Praise God for He is faithful!

He has heard the cries of my heart and my children and of so many dear brothers and sisters both near and far.

Silence on the ‘blog’ this week has, perhaps, spoken louder than words. My reply to a timely message might convey something of the depth of the valley, “too heartbroken, exhausted and overwhelmed to write the blog - God is always good but right now I don’t know what that means.”

As the effects of the leptomeningeal disease (cancer in the brain lining) worsened, possibly exacerbated by side effects of a crucial medication, Geoff became puzzlingly withdrawn and distressingly agitated. Although prepared for physical deterioration, not in my worst nightmare had I imagined the cancer could have such devastating effects on the brain. As the doctors grappled in unfamiliar territory, we pleaded for the Lord to protect and carry His dear child, that none of us may be tried beyond what we are, in His strength, able to bear.

Our children took me home for a needful break on Monday night, refreshed to walk beside Geoff and consult with the doctors over difficult decisions for symptom management. In the midst of our discussions, the lung oncologist called this a ‘cruel cancer’ due to the rapid onset and progression which he has not seen in his many years of experience with lung cancer. 

Throughout the day, Naomi’s presence was such a blessing and later Zeke as our involvement became an intrinsic part of implementing the new treatment plan. Thankful that at last Geoff seemed to be resting peacefully, sleep evaded me as I attempted to process the past three-and-a-half-weeks. Marking last Wednesday as ‘the day I lost my husband", I wondered what the morning would bring, praying for peace and acceptance.

Though the future remains just as uncertain, this is a special day, Geoff - husband and father - is back and we are rejoicing!